Becoming an adult
My little brother got married yesterday. I call him little brother because he's 3 years younger. He's always been a step beyond me, however. He's taller than me, he has started working before I did and his paycheck is definitely higher than mine, he's has left our parents house for longer than I do 1 and speculatively speaking he is probably becoming a dad soonish. And, as I look at him, I can see he's now not the little kid he used to be.
Than I look at myself. I do adult stuff. I have a home myself, I have been working for 10 years and I'm in a 7 years relationship with a man I deeply care about. Yesterday some family friends joked about me being next, but... I can't really see myself getting married. And not because I don't see myself being with my current partner until the end of my days. I still don't consider myself like an adult. I feel like I'm still the girl I was in 2012. With more money and a house to take care of. I can't see myself as a married woman. I can't see myself becoming a mother. And... this is probably the biggest point.
People who know the stories I wrote or conceptualized in the last five years might have noticed I have a strange relationship with maternity. I think about it a lot. Italian politics keep reminding me I'm at the perfect age to raise a kid (I might even be late, actually). And there are a lot of reasons why I don't want to be a mother2: there's too many of us in this world and resources are as limited as ever, for starters; I also think I'm doing a horrible job taking care of myself and I don't think having a creature depending on me would do me and them any favour3; but most of all, I'm probably really scared of losing myself, of not being the girl I used to be in 2012, of growing up.
Maybe it's not that deep, I don't need to comply to the norms of society if they make me uncomfortable. It's not a race, it's not a checklist. But (and this is maybe my inferiority complex speaking) it's also a bit uncomfortable not to comply. In all the photos and IG stories of yesterday's big event, my brother and his wife look so... happy. Why should I prevent myself from something that bring so much joy? Would it bring such joy to me as well? It probably wouldn't, but the possibility is there.
So, yeah, Idk, maybe I should just stop psychoanalizing myself and let an expert do that, but we all know I can't be stopped.